Well… 2020 has not worked out to be anything I expected. I have not accomplished what I set out to do so far this year. It’s been a crazy year with COVID-19, to say the least.
But… I feel like I’m just not doing what I need to do. I know what it is. I just have been making excuses. My son is away at a boarding school to help him – he had a terribly stressful year in 2019. I’m so grateful he’s there and getting the help he needed so badly. He’s happy too. So, that stress has been lifted. Covid has also caused a lot of stress, but it’s time to stand up and do what I set out to do.
There is nothing I cannot do. I know that. What really is amazing is that when I drink, I forget about ALL my other goals and priorities. All I do is work my ass off and drink, for the most part. I work 60 plus hours a week in my business. And I drink several nights a week and when I drink, I DRINK.
I drink a couple bottles of wine. And then that leads to me smoking. I never smoke until I drink. So two bad habits tied up in one neat little messy box. Seriously, I know better! I’m not stupid. What I’m doing to myself is plain old stupid.
I wake up, like today, annoyed with myself. Annoyed that I now won’t go exercise because I feel like shit again. Annoyed that I didn’t work on writing my book again because I’m laying in bed wallowing in my self disgust. Annoyed that I have not lost any weight since January because I drink too much. Annoyed at my belly that now looks like I’m 5 months pregnant from the bloat of alcohol and lazy food choices.
And then my mind says, well the holidays are coming. You have to drink for the holidays. Or, you’re finally buying your mountain cabin as a second home and you will need to drink wine there to celebrate it. And it goes on and on. The mind of the alcoholic, I guess.
I don’t consider myself an alcoholic. I can stop drinking with no issues. I don’t get any withdrawal symptoms. I actually mentally crave wine. Nothing is physical, and I know a lot of women are like this. There is a large group of “gray area” women drinkers. Especially now with COVID-19 and being stuck at home for so long. For me wine is my escape from work. My time to relax. That’s what my mind thinks when wine o’clock hits.
I’m tired of this. Tired of waking up hazy, parched, hungry. Tired of not living my best life. Tired of not weighing my ideal weight and being embarrassed by my size. Tired of not remembering the end of the night most nights I drink. Tired of all my excuses.
So, today I’m contemplating, yet again, what to do. Quit for good? Do 100 days? Do what? What do I do? I hate the thought of quitting forever. Of never having a Chardonnay or a Cabernet again. But I also hate the fact that I’m a smoker when I drink. And that I look 5 months pregnant. And that I waste so much time when drinking and recovering.
So, I’m back to my blog. My accountability partner is my blog and the community that blogs and comments on blogs about this subject. I have been MIA because I’ve been avoiding it. It’s time to step back up to the plate and make my life everything I know it can be.
I look forward to your support and encouragement as I navigate this and decide what to do with my approach. I also look forward to catching up on some of my favorite blogs on this subject for encouragement!