My perfect day vs my real day

I often dream about what I would do if I didn’t have to work, be a housekeeper at home, cook and clean, manage my household… what would my perfect day consist of if I could make it however I want it?

I spend so much time working in and on my business, running the family for myself, husband, sons, mother and dog, paying bills, managing our finances. The day to day workings of a large family plus the management of a small business with 4 employees and agents is very time consuming. It eats away at my days.

I find it hard to find time for me. For my passions. For my health, my relationship with my husband. I fail to manage my personal care to the level I want to. Something has to give. I’m tired of letting my health, my relationships and my passions take the back seat to my business.

The first step in making changes is admitting you have a problem. I do think I have a problem because I’m often feeling the pressures of the business and not caring for my own needs.

I’ve lost touch with my true self. What is it that I WANT out of this life? Money isn’t everything. I’ve been focused on making and saving money. So much that the rest is suffering.

What would it feel like to have freedom. To not have to answer my phone or emails or texts. To not have to talk to staff, clients, team members every day? What would I do with my time?

I dream of reading, exercising, gardening, cooking, painting, getting massages, pedicures, manicures, facials. I dream of leisurely walks, romantic lunches, time where I’m relaxed and enjoying my relationships. I envision hikes at the beach or in the mountains. Healthy foods and yoga. Painting and writing. Watching sunsets and sunrises. Time laughing with friends and family. Deep breathing. Growing spiritually… prayer.

I’ve often wondered how I could try this our first for a few weeks, a month or two, but I haven’t figured that out yet!

I carry a lot of stress and responsibilities with me all the time. I want freedom from this. I want to feel free and find my true inner essence. How can I do this?

Have you found ways to do this? There have to be ways to step in the right direction. Any ideas? If so, please share what has worked or not worked for you!

Experiment on myself

So, I’ve done this experiment several times and it always yields the same results. Gray area drinking is a real issue many face and I am definitely one of those people.

I started the year 75 days sober. I finished that test (experiment) and I had lost 12 pounds and I was feeling amazing.

I then decided I would try drinking a little bit again. Well, as normal that little bit slowly creeped back to where I was before with almost daily drinking. And some smoking. This has been a repeating cycle for the last several years.

So I’m here again documenting my experience. I feel silly to keep doing this. And I’m over it. I know I need to just quit. I’ve never really wrapped my head around quitting. I have always set a time limit to meet. But this last time I have realized I just need to quit.

Since going back to drinking the last (approximately) 75 days I’ve managed to gain all the weight back that I’d lost. I have been lethargic. And to top it off I know my cholesterol numbers are taking a big hit. I don’t understand why in my mind it’s okay to experiment with my health. It’s so ridiculous!

I am back to where I started on January 1 and I’m feeling so silly that I didn’t keep going. If I had I’d probably be down another 12 or more pounds and feeling good.

I think I’ve been in denial. I guess it must be! My weight and size make me uncomfortable even though I pull it off okay I know how disappointed I am in the way I look. Going away to the beach this holiday weekend I know I will be ashamed and embarrassed of my circumference!

I love to see the successes of those around me that have made it and are finally free of the alcohol curse. I appreciate your blogs and encouragement. I am back to square one and this time I want to make it a permanent lifestyle change. I’ve proven time and time again that I’m not able to experiment successfully.

Tired of this lifestyle!

It’s Night and Day

Today is day 66 alcohol free! As I wake up early and reflect on my life this morning I’m very intrigued by the vast difference I feel. It truly is like night and day and like there is a good me and a “bad” me. That’s funny really because I know I’m not “bad” but when I let the wine witch voice control me many bad things happened to me with my health and just overall how I felt.

I remember feeling so lethargic and tired. I didn’t have any energy for myself or for anything besides work and drinking and recovering from drinking. My health and weight suffered greatly due to the lack of exercise and healthy foods. I tended to allow more unhealthy foods due to laziness during times of drinking or recovering from drinking. I was not able to spend time reading consistently and I didn’t grow much from a personal growth standpoint.

Since January 1st I have not had a drop of alcohol. I have not even thought about it much. It’s so weird to say that but it must have finally been my time to “click” with it and get my shit together! I have only thought about the “fuzzy allure” of a glass of wine on a few occasions and I got through those pretty quickly. There is a part of me that is still hopeful that one day I could have 1-2 glasses of wine every week or two and be happy about it and see it like a treat, like I do when I have a special boba tea or something with extra calories that is consumed!

I don’t have any plans for my future self as far as if or when I will drink again. I know that I am finishing my 75 Hard journey which ends in about 17 days. Once that is over I will make some decisions on what I will do. One thing I’ve realized is that the alcohol calories didn’t make me fat as much as the fatigue and lack of motivation from excessive consumption did. So I know for sure I will never go back to that.

I never want to feel drunk and sick and hungover again. I don’t know if I ever want to drink again. It’s a gray area for me right now. I don’t know if it would be a slippery slope or if I would have really changed. But I know I don’t miss much about it!

I’ve lost 12 pounds so far and am shocked it’s not more. I had over 40 to drop and I thought for sure dropping alcohol and 1.5 hours a day of exercise along with an extremely healthy diet would make it happen faster! But I’m ok with it. I’m enjoying each day and the process of self discovery now more than I have in years!

I find I fall into bed exhausted and up early with so much to do that I don’t even know how I survived with alcohol the way I did! It’s weird but I feel like a totally different person. Anyone else feel that way?

Accepting the small wins

Today is my 45th day of no alcohol and 37th day on the 75 Hard challenge. I have to say, it’s been an interesting journey so far.

This is the longest I’ve gone alcohol free in my adult life (besides during pregnancy). The last 37 days have been the most I’ve exercised consistently for many many many years.

The old me would have quit by now with the small results I’ve seen on the scale. I would think that with all the exercise, lack of alcohol, and totally clean eating with no red meat, no fried foods and no white bread products, plus no processed foods would have brought a much more significant loss on the scale. I’ve only lost 7.5 pounds so far and I’ve got so far to go. Normally I would let my wine witch convince me that I can lose weight just as easily while drinking as I am now. And I would be back to drinking almost daily and consuming way more than my fair share 😜.

But this time I’ve committed to the process. I’m enjoying the process. I’m not craving wine. It’s been so weird that I rarely even think about alcohol. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve occasionally craved that fuzzy romantic tease that sipping a wine on the deck on a beautiful day would somehow make it even better than it already is, but it’s faded quickly.

I do now notice that I used wine to unwind and detach from work and my goals. I used it to escape from everything I want and need to do. I’m working on finding the way to still escape and slow down without it. It’s a bit of a challenge because I tend to be the type that is very driven to work on my business and life. Like, all the time. So, working on time to relax with myself and my hubby is a little bit of new ground. We used alcohol all the time for this.

I see some changes in my mindset and a few changes in my physique but I always expect it so much faster than it happens. I’m still hopeful that one day soon that switch will flip like I recall it doing in the past. All of a sudden all the hard work comes to a point where it just shows up. The weight suddenly falls off and it all comes together.

Maybe it’s wishful thinking at my age but I’m holding onto it!

30 days Alcohol Free

I am so excited that I have made it to this day! I’m 30 days without alcohol and I’m not stopping!

I wanted to share a few thoughts about this journey. This time it’s been different. I think I was finally really committed. Why? I’m not sure besides the fact that something clicked in my brain (thank God)!

I’ve been talking about this for years. I’ve attempted to stop binge drinking and “control” my drinking many times. I never really committed to it though. I was always counting the days until I could drink again.

This time I went about it a different way. The angle in my mind was different. I am in this to be better. To improve my health. To be present every day and use my time wisely. I’m curious what will happen with my life, my relationships and my business, with this much extra time on my hands.

I wasted almost every day drinking and recovering from drinking for years. I was not what I would call an alcoholic, but I used alcohol to “relax” and to “escape”. I thought I needed it. I will admit, my brain goes and goes and without alcohol numbing it or causing it to ache in the morning, I am very busy making a life I truly love.

In these first 30 days I’ve accomplished a lot. I’ve done 40 workouts, drank 30 gallons of water, read 2 books, lost 6 (plus) pounds, lost over 10 inches, hired a new employee and a new realtor, read the Bible every day, and enjoyed some good sleep.

I’m happy I’m finally committed to the process, not the results. I think that is the key. Enjoying the process is the key to success. Focusing on the results always made me fail because the results didn’t come fast enough. I always went back to my ways of drowning in the wine to never appreciate the actual process.

If I can do this, you can too, if you want to. I was a heavy drinker for over 25 years and I loved my wine! Now I am loving my life (instead of my wine). That’s a much better feeling!

Giving the power to my Kids – what’s your BIG WHY?

If I knew then what I know now… something we’ve heard a million times for sure! But, I really think our kids can be given so much power. So much knowledge and confidence.

I wish my parents had given me more confidence and internal belief in myself. Honestly, I think it took me 50 years of living to finally start to feel it. By “it” I mean the power. The feeling that anything is possible. The ability to set goals and (really high goals) and achieve them.

When I was growing up I never thought I could be highly successful income wise. I never thought someone like me would be able to earn over $100k a year. I thought you had to be a doctor, and actor or a professional athlete to make that much money. My parents never taught me anything about how the world of entrepreneurship works. They were not entrepreneurs. Their parents were farmers, but never highly successful (as in making great money). They made enough to get by and pay the bills and save some for retirement. But they never made a lot of money.

I never even thought about being able to make money the way I do today. I didn’t understand the power of action and the power of the mind.

I think our kids will have such an advantage, starting young, to see that the sky is the limit. I hope they grab onto it young and don’t wait till they are 50 (like I did)! I hope they can take the ball and run with confidence knowing that whatever they dream, they can achieve.

Of course it takes hard work and drive. It takes dedication to the process. But I want to help teach them that process. I want to give them what I never got.

All of a sudden things are becoming more clear on my purpose. My vision of my life is molding into shape.

Being alcohol free definitely awakens something in my soul. It gives me renewed purpose and hope. Today is day 23 for me AF and I couldn’t be happier. I feel like I’ve been regaining little bits of me each day. I cannot wait to see where the journey takes me.

I’m not stopping this time. I’m finally going to live up to the name of my blog, which I named 5 years ago! I have failed time after time, but I’m not done. I’m going to break through and succeed this time. I have found my purpose(s) and they are strong this time. I am here to be a role model to my kids, my husband, my staff, my team. I want to be the best, happiest me I can be. And I want to guide my kids better than I was guided.

That’s my big why. I finally found it.

The energy flow!

Wow, I can not even explain the energy difference I feel being sober. I am accomplishing things I’ve had on my to do list for a long time and things I would brush under the rug. I’m very excited about it!

I’ve set up the cabin, set up a new recording studio, started new workout routine, and I have been up early to read and do my morning routine. I normally would be feeling like crap in bed for most of the morning hungover and not accomplishing much.

I’m not feeling the normal things I’ve felt in the past about sobriety. Normally I feel like I can’t wait until the experiment is over so I can drink again. This time feels different. It feels like a true life change.

My blood labs came back terrible. I had them drawn two days after Christmas. My weight was at an all time high and I had certainly overindulged on foods and drinks. My doctor was not happy with me. I wasn’t happy with me either! I had avoided doing labs for over a year due to covid. It may be just what I needed. I think it may have inspired me even more to do what I’ve been putting off for 5 plus years- living my BEST life!

I am enjoying seeing life differently so far. Seeing things for what they are. Not escaping them. Doing things I have always wanted to do. Not avoiding them to go drink. Being present for my family. Not escaping to drink. Enjoying the process. Not rushing to get through it. Completing the whole workout slowly. Not skipping half of it because I “don’t have time”.

I have been working hard to get to this mental place through many years of struggle. I think maybe, just maybe, I’m finally getting it. I will keep praying it is so! I don’t want to be the person I was last year. I want to be the new me. The one I envision when I think of me happy.

I never thought it would be so darn much work!

Vision Boards

Do you do a yearly vision board?

This is something I started doing again a few years ago. It’s so interesting to see how much you can accomplish when you set your mind to it.

One statement I recently heard from a fellow realtor (I am not sure where it originated, but I love it!) is:

We tend to overestimate greatly what we can accomplish in one year and underestimate even more greatly what we can accomplish in 3 years.

Author unknown to me

I find this to be very true. Looking back at all you have done and how far you’ve come and grown is a good way to not get down on yourself for not being exactly who you’re forming yourself to be.

I’m looking forward to this year being a year of more focus on the physical and spiritual aspect of my being, not as heavy on the business side.

My business should be able to continue to grow with the systems and staff I have put in place and this will allow me more personal time.

I pray that this year is a wonderful year for everyone. We all need it after surviving 2020.

Rain is Refreshing Renewal

I’m so happy it’s 100% chance of rain today on January 1, 2021 because to me, rain always has symbolized renewal. It has been present at many important milestones in my life and I always recognize it during times of transition.

I’m excited about the new year and making some basic changes in my life. My goals are pretty simple this year, I think, although they are major lifestyle changes.

I want to read the entire Bible this year. A good friend got me this Bible and I am excited about it!

I want to complete 100 days of sobriety. Today is day one. And I hope that once that is done I choose to remain sober because I love it. I’m not making any plans yet, but that’s my hope.

I want to complete the 75 hard mental challenge. This will give me structure and accountability to myself. This challenge involves two workouts a day (walking and yoga are fine), reading 10 pages of a self help or business book, drinking a gallon of water, no alcohol, sticking to a diet of your choice and taking a daily progress picture. If you fail to do any of the above on a daily basis you start over at day 1. I have some friends that have done it and they say it really changed their lives. So, I’m excited about that. Since hubby is doing this with me we are waiting to start for a week until after he has a medical procedure.

I have been down on myself for starting and quitting many times over the years. Starting with great intentions and then letting it all slip. This year I’m really intent on not doing that. I am not making any excuses. I will work through the urges and boredom. I will not let the wine o’clock witch get me this time.

My bloodwork was done last week and it was so awful. High cholesterol, borderline high sugar, extremely high triglycerides. This is another great indicator of the bad habits I’ve been encouraging in myself. The drinking, eating whatever I want with no boundaries and smoking (when I drank) all caught up with me. (What was I thinking!?!?) I’m sure my doctor is going to be very concerned and unhappy. I will definitely get a slap on the wrist! Good thing is that I know the lifestyle changes can fix all this. And I’m excited to see the numbers improve.

I wish all of you out there great success with your goals this year. May 2021 be way better than 2020!

2020 good BYE!

I am happy to say goodbye to 2020. I started it with great intentions but it bit me hard! I sucked at 2020! Looking back it was such a trying year.

We had to make the very tough decision to place our 16 year old son in a Christian boarding school due to his behavior. At the time we had no idea he was experimenting with a lot of drugs. We only knew he stole our car and snuck out (before he was 16)! He was doing a lot of destructive things. The decision was very emotionally draining. Thank God we did it. He’s now doing amazing and will graduate in the summer of 2021. The emotional stress of going through this really wore both me and my husband out. Now we are very grateful that we made the decision and excited for his future and the future of our family.

Right at the same time this was happening two of our very long time best friends started causing a lot of stress for us as well. One of them was trained by us to become a real estate agent and was working on our team at the time. We ended up having to remove him from our team and end a 30 year relationship over it. This was and still is a very big stress in our lives. My husband was friends with them for many years and we often travelled together. What we realize though, is that they were causing us a lot of stress because of different viewpoints. They often convinced us to go out and party with them and do things with them and many times it led to us not being home with the kids as much as we should’ve been at certain times. It made us feel kind of guilty and over the last six months we’ve realize that ending that relationship was one of the best things we could’ve ever done.

Then there’s Covid. With my husband being in his 60s and me my 50s we were and are very concerned about Covid, of course. We also sell real estate for a living so we see a lot of people. We have a team of agents and three staff members. We had to change the way we did business and the way we deal with our staff. It was very challenging. Then to top it off I came down with Covid. Thank goodness it was a very mild case and no one else got it. So needless to say, that was quite stressful as well!

All of my good intentions basically got flushed down the toilet this year. I have no excuses. I made the choices I made and now I am living with the consequences of elevated blood sugar, eLD levated cholesterol and elevated weight.

I am looking forward to a fresh start in 2021.

Some very great things came out of 2020 but my health improving was certainly not one of them.

I am excited to get back on track, quit the booze and get back into the gym. I will be participating in 75 Hard for my own accountability and I can not wait!

It’s time for me to focus on myself and not let the outside stresses of life control my health.