That songs been ringing in my head since my drunk ass New Year’s Eve party I attended. But the truth is I wasn’t feeling good.
Decided to go January with no booze. Me and the hubby. Long overdue and possibly a forever change.
We’ve both had more than our fair share of booze. Both of us started as young teens and kept the party going until December 31, 2015. That’s 33 years for me and 48 years for hubby of heavy rock star drinking.
Luckily neither of us drank hard liquor, only wine and beer with an occasional vodka… But we’re talking massive quantities, and on a daily basis.
We are lucky we are not obese or ill with all the alcohol we’ve consumed. And not to mention the other things that often came with it over the years, including lots of cigarettes and other bad choices.
With two boys, 12 and 9, it was time for a major change. A major lifestyle overhaul, to say the least.
The past few months have been extremely bad. We’ve each gained over 10 pounds, making us the heaviest yet. I’m at 181. I’m guessing hubby is at 199. He didn’t want to tell me and I certainly didn’t tell him. Each with a goal weight loss of approx 30-40 pounds. I know 140 and 160 are our ideal weights as that’s what we weighed when we met 20 years ago.
Certainly I haven’t been a good role model. Especially the past year. My drinking has gotten out of control. I cannot say I remember the end to many days over the past months due to blacking out. Before that when I was dieting and still drinking (now that makes sense doesn’t it?) I was blacking out, passing out, puking on myself in the car with the kids watching, falling down drunk, and being downright mean and nasty to my hubby. I’d wake up many times wondering what I’d done. Hubby would tell me stories, of which, I had no recollection. The kids would do the same. What a shame. I am very ashamed. But that shame didn’t stop me! I just kept on drinking as much as I could on a daily basis.
I was a controlled drunk. I wouldn’t start until 4 most days. And between 4-9 I’d consume 6-8 wines. And my business was in control. I’d wake up foggy and groggy but I kept it together, most days nursing a hangover and just getting thru till 4 so I could “relax” again. The workouts rarely got done due to feeling like a pile of shit. I didn’t spend quality time with my kids or hubby either. But I did with my drinking buddies who would stop by once a week. Or spend a whole weekend. We’d sit up out by the pool bar drinking, smoking and all sorts of bad stuff until 4 am. What the hell was I thinking? What am I, 21?
No! I’m 46! I’m a business owner, run our household, have a hubby, 2 wonderful sons, and my mother here with us to take care of.
My goodness was I stupid. Careless. Risk taker. Dumb ass. Alcoholic. Addicted. Sad.
Luckily for me when I do quit I don’t suffer any withdrawal symptoms. In fact, quite the opposite. I immediately feel wonderful, calm, happy and fulfilled. When I have quit in the past years, attempting 30 days sober, i feel so amazing that by day 15 or 12 or 17 I say “I’ve got this! I can drink again! I can relax again! I can have FUN again!” Well guess what? Within a week I’m right back to where I was, if not worse.
Oh it’s progressed rapidly this past year.
Seems like everyone (darn near everyone) I know is a drinker. Some big drinkers like me. There’s no shortage. But then I see others that have only 1-2 drinks he whole night. I wish I could be them, but I don’t think it’s in me. Don’t think it’s possible.
The thought of giving up wine forever makes me nervous. Like id be losing my best friend. Losing friends I drink with. What will they think of me as a non drunk? Will I still like them? Who will I be friends with? What will I do?
What will I do with ALL THAT TIME I WASTED Daily??? Omg I’ve wasted countless hours drinking alone, with hubby, with friends. Countless hours hungover in bed or up but not truly present.
I don’t think I’ve been truly present for a few years. I’ve been detached. Extremely self absorbed. Extremely drunk and toxic.
Funny how alcohol does that. Gives you a false sense that you’re doing the right thing. That you are living the life – the world is your oyster. It’s a crock of shit. It’s addiction talking. I don’t like what it’s done to me and I refuse to be that person any longer.
I know for some of my friends it’s gonna be very difficult. They won’t understand. My hubby may not understand either. He should. He’s been abused for years due to my alcoholism. He’s the one that saw the real me. The real drunk. The bitch. I’m a lucky girl that he still loves me. He’s a wonderfully forgiving soul.
So here I am sober on January 3. Day 3. And we are committed to January with no alcohol. Our best friends are also going alcohol free. They don’t have drinking problems like we do. But I’d say they do still have party problems that are not healthy either. It’s good they are with us on this leg of the journey, but I’m uncertain of their response to me if I say I’m never drinking again. That scares me. They may never want to vacation with us again. I may become a boring old lady. What will I become?
That’s a great question. I know one thing for sure. I had lots of dreams as a younger person to be fit and gorgeous. Well, I was, then I started really heavy drinking around age 25. Wonder if I can get back to that body I was so proud of.
So down this road I go. Alone. But I hope hubby will continue to support and understand. This may need to be a forever thing.
I know there is a small group that can go 90 days alcohol free and then moderate. I don’t think that’s me. But I may be willing to give it a try. I would love it to work for me/us. I guess time will tell. 2-3 wines a week sounds like a joke to me right now. What would be the point? I wouldn’t get to fall down and puke on myself and wake up feeling like shit. That wouldn’t be any fun at all.