Self Hate and Loathing

I’m finding these last two weeks that I’m miserable. I’m excited to begin my journey into sobriety but I’m apparently of the mindset to drink and smoke as much as I can before the party train ends. I’m just over it but with Christmas Eve tonight and the annual party at a good friend’s which always involves wine, and the New Year’s Eve party coming up I just feel stuck in this hamster wheel of Groundhog Day.

I know the sober path is what I will do and must do.

I’ve done dry January for the past few years, only to fail or to celebrate the 31 days sober and usually 10-12 pounds of weight loss by drinking as much as possible and gaining it all back in February! Yuck! I hate that!

I’m just ready for it to be here. I am so annoyed with my current mindset of overindulging. It’s gotten so far out of hand that I’ve gained another 5 pounds this month. I’ve been drinking and eating too much. My days start with eating lots of carbs for breakfast and by 5 I’m drinking 6-8 glasses of wine and smoking a ton of cigarettes. Again, yuck!

The toxins are building up in my system and I feel awful.

One week from today is New Year’s Eve and I can’t wait till the new year is here.

In the mean time, I will try to stop over poisoning my body and stop with the total disregard for my health. I need to just stop. This mindset is just insane. I’m tired of being tired.

So so soooo tired of it.

Advertisement