It’s only day 6 but I’m really shocked at how I’m feeling.
I’ve done dry January and different dry months in the past but the goal was always to drink again in a “controlled” way. This time, with there being no more drinking to “look forward to” I am finding myself evaluating where I am more than ever, not just white knuckling it until the end — or 4 days before the end of the dry month when my husband I would always stop short of the month! We’d say “we did it! Close enough!” Let’s get drunk to celebrate! Then the bender would begin again.
This time I’m not doing that. I’m done. And with that being said I am feeling more and more things. Like today I went to Costco to get some healthy items I love and that in the past year I wouldn’t go get because I was almost always consumed with drinking – when I would drink, how much, with who, and if I could sneak some cigarettes without the kids noticing (all of this consumed most late afternoons and evenings). Today I felt generally happy. Very happy really, to be feeling well. To know I’m doing good things for me and not consuming things that do nothing but harm me mentally and physically.
I went to yoga this morning for the second time this week and did gentle stretching. I was so stiff and very pudgy. It’s hard to imagine that I’ve let myself go this badly. I don’t know what I was thinking! Just five or six days into my new sobriety I feel shocked at what the wine made me do.
It made me forget about my health, my happiness, my freedom, my fitness, my body, my kids, my romantic relationship with my husband, and basic necessities of self-care.
From the outside people would’ve never known. People looking in saw me as a very well put together and successful lady that runs a big company and has nice clothes, a nice house, travels to extravagant places, and lives an amazing life. But that was not the truth, at least not deep in my soul. I was sad and struggling because I knew I was not living the life I should be living and that I was using alcohol to escape something. I still haven’t figured out what that something is but I know in the days ahead it will come to light. 
Numbing the stress of work, numbing the stress of being a mom of two teenagers, numbing the stress of inactivity in my passions.… Lying to myself that I look fine and then I am happy as a 50-year-old woman to look the way I do even though I know I am way overweight, these are the things I was doing with wine on a daily basis. Why? And better yet, was I blind? Didn’t I see the big belly and back fat I now see clearly?
That’s the question. Why was I doing that? I look forward to finding that answer and seeing what I uncover and seeing what life I can create moving forward. Peeling back the layers should be interesting and hopefully won’t be too painful. I’m going on deep either way. So, what it will be it will be. I am praying for happiness as a result!
I love my new life! 
So much of where you are at takes me back to how I felt in the first few weeks after giving up and it’s so good to hear it, think back and be reminded of that feeling again. It reinforces why I did this and why it was by far the best decision for me. I still haven’t worked out why I was numbing things, maybe I never really will. But I’m convinced this is the way to happiness for both of us.
So happy for you. Hold onto it.
Claire xxx
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Inspiring to know that you’ve been through this and happy it helped you too!
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There’s an old saying in early sobriety. “The good news is that you’ll get your feelings back. The bad news is that you’ll get your feelings back.”
I’ve found this to be very true for myself. While I did feel much more care and concern about others and myself right away, I no longer had an emotional crutch to numb the sometimes raw and insensitive nature of others around me. I was around the 60 day mark and having a great afternoon when my wife “reminded” me that I was eating something not good for my new diet I’d started about a week earlier. I can’t recall what I said in return, but “thanks for the reminder, hon” was not what came out of my mouth that afternoon. LOL.
I had mostly good experiences early on being able to control my emotions and felt reasonably content. But once in a while I was reminded that all my feelings were functioning at fairly high levels. Knowing this is normal and part of the process helped me keep in mind that I was making headway. 🙂
Happiness… that’s an interesting discussion all unto itself. I once heard someone say that Happiness is the place between too much and too little. Sounds good to me, sign me up!
Keep up the great attitude and gratitude!
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Thank you for that insight and I love the two sayings! I was at a team meeting (I am the team leader) yesterday and one of my agents was just so annoying and rude to the group that I wanted to just strangle her! This is one of my drinking buddies that I would hang out with once a month or so. I honestly was so turned off by the lack of respect for the others in the room and those trying to present. I think she must have been a little buzzed on something, although it was just a noon lunch meeting. Good lord it was obnoxious! I was never that type but I would put up with that type because of our drinking escapades. No more!
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Like you aptly said, the booze made great blinders. On occasion I too still run across a few old drinking buddies. They jokingly tell me I’ve become boring and old. I chuckle and nod in agreement, tell ’em I’ll keep praying for them. But in the back of my mind I’m ecstatic. That they no longer see me having that same lifestyle in common with them anymore is the greatest compliment I could ever receive. I thought I would be giving up a lot with giving up alcohol. Over the past year I’ve learned how mistaken I was. I’ve given up nothing, but gained everything back that I’d carelessly thrown away because of a bottle. 🙂
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Wonderful post. I admire your resolve and great outlook! I must admit that I still waiver between forever sobriety and someday drinking again, but reading your post reminds me of why I am not drinking, I also don’t want to let life pass me by by numbing my feelings. I also hope to gain more insight as to why I want to do that. Thanks for sharing!
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Thank you and keep it up! I think because I have tried to moderate for over 10 years, maybe even 15 years, I am just over it and I know it just doesn’t work for me. I want to see what it’s like on the “other side” and hey, if I hate it in a year or two I can always change. But, I seriously doubt that will be the case.
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